The Biggest Loser

I have not been a fan of "The Biggest Loser."  I weight about 350 pounds.  At every weigh-in, they would always say how big the person was when he or she started out.  Usually, I was/am 25 to 50 pounds bigger than all the girls on that show were when they started out.  I look in the mirror, and it's really depressing.  I'm five feet and six or seven inches.  I remember when I was hovering around 230 pounds for many years.  I saw my sister and brother gaining more weight than I, and I swore that I would never get up to 300 pounds.  Well, now, I am post-menopausal.  I am also on disability, not because of my weight.  I have always fought some personality disorders.  I have borderline personality disorder.  While fighting the infernal borderline thing, I began to act in a way that is bipolar.  So now, I have not only the one personality disorder that was so hard to fight.  Now, I am borderline AND bipolar, and I also have ADD.  I take so many meds, and some of them have the side effect of making me gain weight.  I don't believe that the meds are why I have gained weight, though.  Depression is one of my biggest foes.  Depression and the abandonments that the devil throws at me whenever I start to get ahead.  I have shown that I CAN overcome borderline personality disorder to a great degree.  It's a matter of being vigilant and watching myself for borderline ways of thinking that try to sneak back into my life.  I have obsessive-compulsive habits and patterns that can be my allies as I fight these disorders, and as I fight my weight.  THE KEY IS HOPE.  I am now 46 years old.  I was watching The Biggest Loser finale this evening.  I went to get up off the couch that I had been dozing on.  At first, I thought that I was going to be too fat and too weak to get up off the couch.  I thought that was really pitiful.  Then, as I was watching the show, there was this girl (She turned out to be the one who won one of the prizes.) who reminded me of myself.  At the beginning, she was asked to run 25 flights of stairs.  She came back and announced that she had run 30-something flights.  I always make great beginnings.  And, I'm not against stairs.  It's the long haul that has always done me in.  I started thinking about myself and what I would have done to lose weight like those people on the show had.  I started picturing myself on some of the workout equipment at my church, saying, "I can do this.  Yes, Lord, I can do this.  I can.  I can.  I can.  Thank you, Lord, for helping me do this."  I believe that I can.  I think that the bipolar disorder and depressions and menopause and other things have decreased my (oh, I can't remember the word, it's an M-word.) ability to get up and go.  But, I think I can do it.  It's just so much easier to let myself be a victim.  If I don't get control of my body, it will dominate the rest of my life.  My lower legs are so swollen.  Every time I see my doctor, he nearly has a cow about how swollen they are.  I have talked to my sister and my mom (nurses both) about this.  I think that my legs will develop open, running sores that run the risk of getting infected and causing me to lose one or both legs if I don't get a handle on things.  I don't have a car, and I have had to walk anywhere I wanted to go for many years.  I walked when I was 200 pounds, and I walked even up to 300 pounds.  At 350, though, walking around town is becoming much harder.  My parents are willing to give me rides places when they can, but they are getting older.  They are both in their 70's now.  I don't want to be dependent on them anymore.  They love me a lot, but I want to be healthy.  I am not a good cook.  Cooking has always seemed like a waste of time.  And the money to buy healthy food has always seemed overwhelming.  I can live on macaroni and cheese for many years.  That's what I have been living on.  I have gone from mac and cheese and tuna, to mac and cheese and boneless chicken white meat.  I like the chicken.  It's just different, not quite as good, but healthier maybe.  Well, I could go on and on, but it's almost 10 at night.