Thursday, January 30, 2014
Superheroes
I just watched The Incredibles. As the story was ending, I thought how nice it would be if all of our societies ills were so easily solved. I looked at this big, black monster that the incredible superhero family had just saved the world from. I thought how nice it would be if the big problems that our society is facing were so clear cut. What if MR. ECONOMY just sort of appeared and saved us from inflation and all the other effects of a bad economy? All of the problems that our nation has seem so all-encompassing and interwoven with each other. I don't think things are hopeless. I think that I/we need to turn back, repent. I think we need to stop looking for things that "aren't the worst" and "aren't really so terrible," and setting our aim at those things. I think, as a society, we need to change our aim and start doing things that are the best we could do. As individuals, we each have three enemies: the world, the flesh, and the devil. I think that we can each overcome these with God's help. It's just a matter of making right choices. Maybe at every moment we need to consider what road we want to take. "There is a way that seemeth right to a man, but the end thereof is death". Or something like that. If we ask God for wisdom and follow the path that seems like the one that God would have us follow, we can, slowly but surely, get out of the hole that we have dug for ourselves. God, please help us. God, please help me.
Friday, January 24, 2014
A Writer? Me?
I play with the idea of writing a book.
Over the years I have often looked into roleplaying. Honestly, I roleplayed very little, but my sister and brother and many of the my friends have been very into Dungeons and Dragons and other roleplaying games. Whenever I look at their books, I am fascinated with the lengths they go in rolling up a character. To me, characters that you love and identify with should be the basis of any good fiction. I have always loved rolling up roleplaying characters. This idea of turning characters into stories is something I have played with for many years. Before I was classified as disabled, I had several characters that were settling into an interesting story. Since I became disabled, though, it seems like my whole life, most everything I do in a day is all about assuaging my guilt. People have no idea how much guilt I carry because of being on disability. If I could stop feeling all this guilt, my personality disorder could actually help me write fiction if I could work it right. I won't go all into it, but the problem I have helps me to empathize with different people. I specialize in thinking out of the box, in putting on different ideas and personalities like pairs of clothes. This can be a problem when it comes to dealing with life, but it might be ideal in writing fiction. An author I read once, Andrew Greeley, wrote some good books (Lord of the Dance was a favorite) taking on a new point-of-view in each chapter. I've always kept that in mind and thought that if I ever wrote a book, I'd try to do it that way.
Anyway. I have some ideas and my brother (the real writer in the family) introduced me to a website called TVTropes, which specializes in helping writers come up with good stories. Strangely, events are seeming to conspire to push me toward writing. Being toothless and having a problem develop at the place I was volunteering, and other things are making me want to stay at home. Looking at the things that I crochet and realizing that I don't think I really crochet all that well also makes me want to find some other way to try and justify my existence. (Does that sound like a strange idea? Doing something to justify my breathing the air and eating food and taking up space on this planet? I'm always working to make myself worth something. I guess I should just accept the worthiness that God has given me. I'm working on that.)
I don't know whether to write fiction or nonfiction, though. Like I said, I have some fiction ideas, but I also have some nonfiction ideas. John Graham was encouraging me to write for a while. He makes money writing magazine articles on gardening. If I followed His advice, I'd write about what I know and feel driven to study. I can see myself writing articles for Christian magazines about how to apply the Bible that I love so much.
This post is so long that it might be a book. Chuckle. Thanks, Michele and Penny for the encouragement to write. I'm gonna work on that, and I think that I'm going to enjoy it. I've heard that writing is two percent inspiration and ninety-eight percent perspiration. I can do the perspiration part if I can just continue to see writing as a possibility. In college, twenty eight years ago, I wasn't a bad writer. I was getting some encouragement along that line from my English professor. That was a long, long time ago, though. Today is a new day. If God will help with the inspiration, I will try to keep going on the perspiration necessary to develop some stories and articles and whatever.
Over the years I have often looked into roleplaying. Honestly, I roleplayed very little, but my sister and brother and many of the my friends have been very into Dungeons and Dragons and other roleplaying games. Whenever I look at their books, I am fascinated with the lengths they go in rolling up a character. To me, characters that you love and identify with should be the basis of any good fiction. I have always loved rolling up roleplaying characters. This idea of turning characters into stories is something I have played with for many years. Before I was classified as disabled, I had several characters that were settling into an interesting story. Since I became disabled, though, it seems like my whole life, most everything I do in a day is all about assuaging my guilt. People have no idea how much guilt I carry because of being on disability. If I could stop feeling all this guilt, my personality disorder could actually help me write fiction if I could work it right. I won't go all into it, but the problem I have helps me to empathize with different people. I specialize in thinking out of the box, in putting on different ideas and personalities like pairs of clothes. This can be a problem when it comes to dealing with life, but it might be ideal in writing fiction. An author I read once, Andrew Greeley, wrote some good books (Lord of the Dance was a favorite) taking on a new point-of-view in each chapter. I've always kept that in mind and thought that if I ever wrote a book, I'd try to do it that way.
Anyway. I have some ideas and my brother (the real writer in the family) introduced me to a website called TVTropes, which specializes in helping writers come up with good stories. Strangely, events are seeming to conspire to push me toward writing. Being toothless and having a problem develop at the place I was volunteering, and other things are making me want to stay at home. Looking at the things that I crochet and realizing that I don't think I really crochet all that well also makes me want to find some other way to try and justify my existence. (Does that sound like a strange idea? Doing something to justify my breathing the air and eating food and taking up space on this planet? I'm always working to make myself worth something. I guess I should just accept the worthiness that God has given me. I'm working on that.)
I don't know whether to write fiction or nonfiction, though. Like I said, I have some fiction ideas, but I also have some nonfiction ideas. John Graham was encouraging me to write for a while. He makes money writing magazine articles on gardening. If I followed His advice, I'd write about what I know and feel driven to study. I can see myself writing articles for Christian magazines about how to apply the Bible that I love so much.
This post is so long that it might be a book. Chuckle. Thanks, Michele and Penny for the encouragement to write. I'm gonna work on that, and I think that I'm going to enjoy it. I've heard that writing is two percent inspiration and ninety-eight percent perspiration. I can do the perspiration part if I can just continue to see writing as a possibility. In college, twenty eight years ago, I wasn't a bad writer. I was getting some encouragement along that line from my English professor. That was a long, long time ago, though. Today is a new day. If God will help with the inspiration, I will try to keep going on the perspiration necessary to develop some stories and articles and whatever.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Depression
Hopeless. I hesitate to talk about how I feel. So many people have worse circumstances in their lives. I just sort of have what I guess you would call a predisposition to fall into this well of hopelessness. Sometimes it seems like there is no light in the world. Even when, objectively, I can see light all around me, my world seems grey and dark. I have medications. I have been taking antidepressants for many years. And, my medications may soon be changing. I've been on Luvox and Abilify for years, but I'm about to see a new psychiatrist. It's humiliating to blame my feelings on a little pill I take, but I know that medications have something to do with my feelings. I haven't been very compliant. I haven't always taken my meds as prescribed, but these days I'm doing a lot better with this because . . . Well, in order to see my new counselor and new psychiatrist, I have to take my pills as prescribed. It's a rule at Families, Inc. I signed a little treatment plan that said I would take my medications. So, for the last couple of weeks, I've been careful to try and take every single dose. I keep forgetting one dose, though. My old psychiatrist had me on one and a half Luvox twice a day. I've only been taking one twice a day. I'm never sure whether I want to take that half a pill twice a day, or just take another whole pill in the middle of the day. As a result, I'm only taking 2/3 as much Luvox as I have prescribed. Also, I have an Adderall (if that's how you spell it) that I'm supposed to take 1/4 of a pill twice a day. I don't have any trouble swallowing these half pills and quarter pills. They just don't get taken because I am reluctant to put partial pills in my med box. I need to figure out some other way to work them in.
I slept through a lot of today. I'm sleeping a whole lot these days. When I woke up from one nap, I sensed God telling me to call New Life. I did that, and waited about an hour for them to take my call. I hung up when it seemed obvious that they weren't going to. I don't blame them. I have called them too often, and I didn't have a great question. There's nothing exciting or new about simple depression. If you're not suicidal then no one seems to really care. And, let me make that clear, I'm not suicidal. The hopelessness that I feel . . . well, how can I put this. To attempt suicide, ya have to have some hope that suicide or at least a suicide attempt will produce something that you want, whether that is attention or an end to the interminable day-after-hopeless-day that life has become. I know that attempting suicide would be a way to get some people's attention, but that attention isn't pleasant or good. My family seems torn whenever I attempt suicide between being helpful and loving and madder than hell. My sister, who seems to be the family matriarch now, gets mad at me. I can't blame her for having some negative feelings, but I wish we could talk about her feelings and process through them. She doesn't have time for that, though. She's a good person, but we have not traveled the same paths. She is a pull yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps kind of gal. She has overcome a lot of obstacles in her life. But, I don't want to make this about her. We have a difficult relationship. I don't know how to explain to my family why I get so hopeless and don't try to fight the depressions. I do fight it. I fight it every day, day after day. I fight it by continuing to get out of bed and trying to be positive. I rarely talk to anyone about how hopeless I feel. If I continue to just keep on keeping on, denying the depression a foothold in my plans, then that keeps it at bay to some extent. My sister is not the only fighter in our family.
Anyway, I have a new young counselor. Going to see her isn't really helpful yet. We have to get through some kind of honeymoon phase before we really start to connect. For a while, all I want to do is tell her things that will impress her and make her think well of me. The next time I see her, I will address this with her. I won't see her for two weeks, though. So, I just keep getting up, going through the motions.
I'm going to study my Bible this evening. I have all these wonderful Bibles, and I was going to try and study them all at the same time. I've discovered, though, that picking them up hurts a muscle in my arm that is very sore. And sometimes having too much scriptural information and insights can perhaps be just as bad as having too little. I just get frustrated and lost in the mound of material. I've been thinking that maybe it's best to just study one book at a time, or at least to maybe give each Bible or commentary or whatever an hour before I go on to the next.
There is hope. I know that. I am a Christian and eventually I believe that I will go home to meet Jesus in heaven. I don't believe that He will let me do that early. I am not in control of some things about my life, and when my life ends is unfortunately not up to me. That's probably a good thing. I am a terrible coward. Jesus deserves better from me. All He asks is that I love Him, but love for Him brings a number of things with it, like perseverance and mercy. I love my sister, and my mom and my whole family. I love my dad, though he gets frustrated with me. I love my brother, though I don't agree with him about some things. They are all people just like me, all of us slogging our way through very different lives. (sigh). Onward and upward.
I slept through a lot of today. I'm sleeping a whole lot these days. When I woke up from one nap, I sensed God telling me to call New Life. I did that, and waited about an hour for them to take my call. I hung up when it seemed obvious that they weren't going to. I don't blame them. I have called them too often, and I didn't have a great question. There's nothing exciting or new about simple depression. If you're not suicidal then no one seems to really care. And, let me make that clear, I'm not suicidal. The hopelessness that I feel . . . well, how can I put this. To attempt suicide, ya have to have some hope that suicide or at least a suicide attempt will produce something that you want, whether that is attention or an end to the interminable day-after-hopeless-day that life has become. I know that attempting suicide would be a way to get some people's attention, but that attention isn't pleasant or good. My family seems torn whenever I attempt suicide between being helpful and loving and madder than hell. My sister, who seems to be the family matriarch now, gets mad at me. I can't blame her for having some negative feelings, but I wish we could talk about her feelings and process through them. She doesn't have time for that, though. She's a good person, but we have not traveled the same paths. She is a pull yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps kind of gal. She has overcome a lot of obstacles in her life. But, I don't want to make this about her. We have a difficult relationship. I don't know how to explain to my family why I get so hopeless and don't try to fight the depressions. I do fight it. I fight it every day, day after day. I fight it by continuing to get out of bed and trying to be positive. I rarely talk to anyone about how hopeless I feel. If I continue to just keep on keeping on, denying the depression a foothold in my plans, then that keeps it at bay to some extent. My sister is not the only fighter in our family.
Anyway, I have a new young counselor. Going to see her isn't really helpful yet. We have to get through some kind of honeymoon phase before we really start to connect. For a while, all I want to do is tell her things that will impress her and make her think well of me. The next time I see her, I will address this with her. I won't see her for two weeks, though. So, I just keep getting up, going through the motions.
I'm going to study my Bible this evening. I have all these wonderful Bibles, and I was going to try and study them all at the same time. I've discovered, though, that picking them up hurts a muscle in my arm that is very sore. And sometimes having too much scriptural information and insights can perhaps be just as bad as having too little. I just get frustrated and lost in the mound of material. I've been thinking that maybe it's best to just study one book at a time, or at least to maybe give each Bible or commentary or whatever an hour before I go on to the next.
There is hope. I know that. I am a Christian and eventually I believe that I will go home to meet Jesus in heaven. I don't believe that He will let me do that early. I am not in control of some things about my life, and when my life ends is unfortunately not up to me. That's probably a good thing. I am a terrible coward. Jesus deserves better from me. All He asks is that I love Him, but love for Him brings a number of things with it, like perseverance and mercy. I love my sister, and my mom and my whole family. I love my dad, though he gets frustrated with me. I love my brother, though I don't agree with him about some things. They are all people just like me, all of us slogging our way through very different lives. (sigh). Onward and upward.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Notes on Genesis 7:1-2
Then the LORD said to Noah, "Enter the ark, you and all your household, for you alone I have seen to be righteous before Me in this time. Gen. 7:1
Scofield says: "Here God's beckoning embraces the basic meaning of this gracious invitation occurring again and again in the Scriptures, even down to the last page (Rev. 22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost.). This invitation (1) is extended by God to man: (2) urges him to avail himself of the perfect provision God has made for his preservation; and (3) is given in a time of overwhelming judgment and doom."
"You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female: and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; Gen. 7:2
Scofield says: See Genesis 6:19, note. Genesis 6:19 says "And of every living thing of all flesh, you shall bring two of every kind into the ark, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female." In addition to two animals, etc., commanded her to be preserved for future increase (male and female), the further command was given to take of clean animals, i.e. animals acceptable for sacrifice, seven each. Exodus gives ten such animals, or but seventy in all. Modern ships carry hundreds of live animals, with their food, besides scores of human beings.
"You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female: and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; Gen. 7:2
Quest asks the question "What makes some animals clean and some unclean?" It then references notes on Lev. 5:2 and Lev. 11:4-41. The referenced note on Lev. 5:2 asks "What did it mean to be ceremonially unclean?" and then answers its own question. "Defiled and impure, a religious distinction, not necessarily a measure of physical cleanliness. Sinfulness automatically led to impurity, but impurity led to sinfulness only if not removed. To be unclean was like being exposed and susceptible to a contagious disease; to be clean was to be immune. God declared certain things unclean, though it's not always clear on what basis."
"You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female: and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; Gen. 7:2
The Quest article on Lev. 11:4-41 asks and answers the question, "Why did God keep some meats off the menu? It says that anyone who touched the meat of certain animals would become unclean -- offensive to the holy God (Lev. 11:43-44). How could food separate someone from God? Many believe God forbade these meats for hygienic reasons. While it is true some meats have high potential for transmitting bacterial, not all are clearly harmful. Others say these meats were banned because they were used in pagan rituals. Yet the bull was considered clean even though it was prominent in Canaanite and Egyptian religions. Still others believe that God distinguished between edible and inedible animals as a "teaching tool." God wanted Israel to remain holy and unadulterated as his people, not blended with other cultures or polluted by idolatry. To echo this important distinction in the Israelites' daily lives, God outlawed the mixed breeding of animals, mixed plantings, mixed threads (Lev. 19:19) -- and here, the eating of symbolically "mongrel" creatures. The forbidden animals are those that in motion or diet don't fit neatly into the "purebred" categories of Genesis 1: birds that fly, fish that swim and land animals that walk (primarily plant-eating). Leviticus 11 bans many meat-eaters, as well as other apparent "mongrels" such as water dwellers without fins or scales. Sheep and goats seem to set the standard for "purebred" land animals. Those that walked or ate in a different manner were forbidden. Though to us God's restrictions may seem overbearing, there is no indication that the Israelites felt that way. They understood that they were God's distinct people and that God expected them to live like it.
Scofield says: "Here God's beckoning embraces the basic meaning of this gracious invitation occurring again and again in the Scriptures, even down to the last page (Rev. 22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." And let the one who hears say, "Come." And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost.). This invitation (1) is extended by God to man: (2) urges him to avail himself of the perfect provision God has made for his preservation; and (3) is given in a time of overwhelming judgment and doom."
"You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female: and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; Gen. 7:2
Scofield says: See Genesis 6:19, note. Genesis 6:19 says "And of every living thing of all flesh, you shall bring two of every kind into the ark, to keep them alive with you; they shall be male and female." In addition to two animals, etc., commanded her to be preserved for future increase (male and female), the further command was given to take of clean animals, i.e. animals acceptable for sacrifice, seven each. Exodus gives ten such animals, or but seventy in all. Modern ships carry hundreds of live animals, with their food, besides scores of human beings.
"You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female: and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; Gen. 7:2
Quest asks the question "What makes some animals clean and some unclean?" It then references notes on Lev. 5:2 and Lev. 11:4-41. The referenced note on Lev. 5:2 asks "What did it mean to be ceremonially unclean?" and then answers its own question. "Defiled and impure, a religious distinction, not necessarily a measure of physical cleanliness. Sinfulness automatically led to impurity, but impurity led to sinfulness only if not removed. To be unclean was like being exposed and susceptible to a contagious disease; to be clean was to be immune. God declared certain things unclean, though it's not always clear on what basis."
"You shall take with you of every clean animal by sevens, a male and his female: and of the animals that are not clean two, a male and his female; Gen. 7:2
The Quest article on Lev. 11:4-41 asks and answers the question, "Why did God keep some meats off the menu? It says that anyone who touched the meat of certain animals would become unclean -- offensive to the holy God (Lev. 11:43-44). How could food separate someone from God? Many believe God forbade these meats for hygienic reasons. While it is true some meats have high potential for transmitting bacterial, not all are clearly harmful. Others say these meats were banned because they were used in pagan rituals. Yet the bull was considered clean even though it was prominent in Canaanite and Egyptian religions. Still others believe that God distinguished between edible and inedible animals as a "teaching tool." God wanted Israel to remain holy and unadulterated as his people, not blended with other cultures or polluted by idolatry. To echo this important distinction in the Israelites' daily lives, God outlawed the mixed breeding of animals, mixed plantings, mixed threads (Lev. 19:19) -- and here, the eating of symbolically "mongrel" creatures. The forbidden animals are those that in motion or diet don't fit neatly into the "purebred" categories of Genesis 1: birds that fly, fish that swim and land animals that walk (primarily plant-eating). Leviticus 11 bans many meat-eaters, as well as other apparent "mongrels" such as water dwellers without fins or scales. Sheep and goats seem to set the standard for "purebred" land animals. Those that walked or ate in a different manner were forbidden. Though to us God's restrictions may seem overbearing, there is no indication that the Israelites felt that way. They understood that they were God's distinct people and that God expected them to live like it.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Psalm 139
O LORD, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up, You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, and are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, behold, O LORD. You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it. Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, if I dwell in the remotest part of the sea. Even there Your hand will lead me, and Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night." Even the darkness is not drk to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You. For You formed my inward parts: You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought int he depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You. O that You would slay the wicked, O God; Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed. For they speak against You wickedly, and Your enemies take Your name in vain. Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with the utmost hatred; they have become my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.
As I type this, I am distressed with the condition of my heart. My heart has become lazy. It cares about very little. Part of me wants to be the person God wants me to be, but that part seems to become littler and less as the days go by. Something inside says, "Nobody loves me." and nothing else seems to matter. Where do I go from there? I know that God loves me, but God loves everybody. Am I special to Him? I don't know.
As I type this, I am distressed with the condition of my heart. My heart has become lazy. It cares about very little. Part of me wants to be the person God wants me to be, but that part seems to become littler and less as the days go by. Something inside says, "Nobody loves me." and nothing else seems to matter. Where do I go from there? I know that God loves me, but God loves everybody. Am I special to Him? I don't know.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Saturday 1/11
I'm going to try to keep to some kind of schedule today.
I want to:
I want to:
- study my Bible
- pray
- clean my house
- crochet
- work on Believing God
- work on a Kay Arthur book
- play games with JoAnn
It's 8:43 now. I have to be at JoAnn's by 2:30. Then I'll probably stay there until 6 or 7.
Why blog?
I often want to share (on facebook) a lot more than others really care about receiving. Sometimes that's just personal talk. Sometimes it's Bible studies or work through workbooks or whatever. I decided to start blogging again, because I want a place to share my life, all the various parts of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)